I fell in madly love with Green Eyes because I knew how to capture and tame an animal called Big Asshole. There are a lot of dots between Big Asshole and Green Eyes, but that’s how life works isn’t it? Like how I never would have married Blue Eyes if I hadn’t met Bald Guy. Bald Guy introduced me to Plum Hips who swept me off my feet and took me to European Country #5, where we broke up and I met Blue Eyes, who I eventually married. That never would have happened if Bald Guy hadn’t sat in the cubicle next to me in Big City #7 during my brief internship at Mega Internet Corp #3271. But all that was a long time ago…
Fast forward 7 years and I find myself in Big City # 1. I recently split up with Big Asshole, who was my business partner for 4 years, having been the catalyst that took me from pauper to prince only to fuck me out of my half of the company. Big Asshole has what I assume must be Asperger Syndrome. With an ungodly IQ much closer to 200 than 100, zero friends, and an alien-like lack of understanding about humans and their emotional functions, he created the core of business that I developed into the darling of Big City #1, landing me in magazines and newspapers, and eventually into the arms of Green Eyes. Even that seems like a long time ago….
Fast forward 2 years and here I am still pining for Green Eyes. She’s getting married next month, and I cannot think of anything else, except when I am distracted by the workaday world of driving my new business into the ground. Don’t get me wrong…. I survive off a steady diet of Big City #1 women. I’m successful, good looking, tall, not yet old, but no longer too young. I occupy one of the most desirable demographics known to man. Everything should be going right, but in my heart and in my head, it’s a fucking disaster. I want to end it all… and all because of Green Eyes …
Before I met Green Eyes, I had forgotten what it was like to be head-over-heels for a woman. I hadn’t felt this way since my early twenties, and even then I was already beginning to feel jaded and nostalgic for my high school days of yore, when a girl could rock me to my core. Green Eyes woke up a sleeping beast inside of me, the kind of beast that feeds off of giddy, crazy, I’d-do-anything-for-you love. You’re thinking “beast?” What is he talking about?! Beast, bad. Giddy, crazy, I’d-do-fucking-anything-for-you kind of love, good, right?! Well, yes, but no, see I’m not in good shape right now, and I’m guessing I probably only have a few more minutes here because of this situation, so no, it’s not good. It’s not right, and it’s definitely not great. But I digress….
